Hi Volker and everyone else!
It’s so very nice to hear from you again, Volker, after so long! I like your title, “My turn,” and as always, your translation is excellent! Below are a few comments and questions:
“
Naught” is a most excellent choice! It’s an older word not used much today, but it fits perfectly to the time period during which Rilke wrote!!
“
Nothing we name.” FINALLY, after reading your translation, I now realize that this line is referring back to the previous line, and that Rilke is saying” “Nothing we name can be expressed."
My grammar is too rusty to explain why you probably wouldn’t use the word “
shine” for Glanz in this instance. Although “shine” can be either a verb or a noun, it is most often used as a verb, and for reasons I can’t explain, it sounds strange used as a noun in this line, and thus, something like “sparkle,” “gleam,” "glimmer," or maybe “shining brilliance” would sound better. Perhaps you have an even better alternative than these.
If you use the words “
come to terms,” you would have to add the word “
with” (which would also require an object), and thus you would have say something like: “c
ome to terms with the fact that...” It might be simpler just to say “
accept that,” which would mean about the same thing, but I think I prefer your come to terms (with the fact).
“
so as if just that has lived in it what marks our life.” - I think I understand this line better with your translation, but it still seems to need a little work or fine tuning.
“
so” - “in such manner” or “in such a way” sounds a little better in English in this case, even though they are longer than what one would like.
I like your choice of the word “
marks” (which helps clarify things), but still the words “that,” “it,” and “what” are so vague, that you almost become lost in this line and forget what they are referring back to, especially the word “it.” Even though we know that the “it” refers back to the “Glanz” or the “Blick,” it gets somewhat confusing.
I think we would at least have to use the word “
which” rather than “
what” and say:
as if exactly that has lived in it which marks our life” (probably more literal)
or
as if exactly that which has lived in it marks our life.”
Also, if you use the word
“just,” it is unclear whether you mean “exactly” or “only,” since it could be taken either way in English. That’s why I chose the word“precisely,” but “exactly” would also work, and perhaps other words I haven’t thought of.
Even after reading this many times in both the German and the English, it is difficult to translate ,because I’m still not completely sure that I understand what Rilke is trying to say here. Would you mind giving me your own personal interpretation of this line or trying to put it all together in a more understandable sentence?
Would the following be a proper interpretation?
“Here a sparkle and there a glance has touched us in such a way
as if exactly “the same thing” has lived in them which lives in us (or is our life)? If this is accurate, how might we re-word it in the poem?
Also, as far as interpretation goes, if “the same thing” is a proper interpretation, what might that “same thing” be? Could it be related to the stars in his later lines? Does the same thing live in the stars? And if so, what is it, and how is it related to us?
I like your choice of “
world’s revelation,” even though it is a bit interpretive. I know that is sometimes necessary is order to make things more understandable.
I also like your choice of “
eternal things” better than just “the eternal.”
At times, in such great nights, “
we are like out of risk,” - This would have to be re-worded just a little.
The English language is funny. It’s strange that you can say “
out of danger” but not “
out of risk.” If you wanted to use “risk” instead of “danger,” you would have to say “
without risk.”
It’s also strange that you can say,
“
It’s like” we are (without risk)” but not ”
we are like” (without risk).
It sounds even better to say
“it seems like” (or possibly “feels like”) we are without risk.
“
surrendered to the stars in equal, gentle parts.” I really like your choice of “
surrendered” - but what exactly does this mean? Would you care to give your opinion as to the interpretation of this line and also to the last line? (
O how they urge.)
(Urge what? Us? And to do what? To surrender ourselves to the stars? How do you do that?
Could it mean to accept death and to live life (afterwards) in a different way - the same way that the “Glanz” or the “Blink” or the “stars” do? But what would be meant by this? How do they live?
Or perhaps (most likely) it has nothing to do with death at all. Perhaps he is speaking of living your life (now) in this way?
Thanks so much, Volker.
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Your translation really did give me lots of ideas and made things a lot clearer than they were before.
Liebe Grüße!
Linda