Dear Ramaswamy and Stilz,
How exciting to receive two new translations in one day for this poem !! Thank you both so VERY, VERY much!!!
I am so happy that you are both interested in translating Rilke’s poetry into English! Until now, only Volker and Marie have been willing to put so much time and effort into helping me out with translations (and I am forever indebted to them!)
No matter how long I work at it, I never quite seem to be satisfied with my own translations. I always seem to find something to change each time I read them, so I need all the help I can get. The more translations of a poem, the better! I absolutely LOVE Rilke’s poetry because his thoughts are so “DEEP,” but unfortunately I have lost so much of my German over the years, that it is very difficult and time-consuming for me to translate his works.
So, let me begin with Ramaswamy. First of all, I must say that your choice of “strange” for “wunderlich” is really great. Somehow I can’t believe, that I didn’t make that connection with the word until I read your translation! Perhaps that’s because I really liked Volker’s choice of “wondrous” (Stilz’s as well), and thus I didn’t think any further. However, upon reading the poem again today, I honestly believe that Rilke probably had “both” of these definitions in mind, and thus I think I would actually choose to use both of them in the translation (even though it wouldn’t be a literal translation, of course).
It is always difficult to decide whether to go with a literal translation or to try to use words that more clearly convey the poet’s presumed meaning of his chosen words. Of course, this is something that would normally be left to individual interpretation, but unfortunately when it comes to translation, the words of a foreign language often do not translate into words that lead to the correct interpretation, and thus, a translator must often choose words, which help express the meaning of the poem and also make sense in the language it is being translated into. Thereby, of course, you often lose so much, and this is the great tragedy of translating poetry. It is for this reason that I always try to come up with as many translations as possible for a poem, preferably at least one of which is literal!
In the second line, Ramaswamy, “Passing through contradictions” is also very good, even though I don’t really have a problem with using the more repetitive, but literal translation which would be “from contradiction to contradiction.”
I’m not really content with the third line from any of the translations, although I haven’t been able to figure out anything better myself! Although “the gait” (and even Volker’s “in progress” ) is probably a pretty good translation, still I feel there must be something that would work better. Even though this line is very clear to me in the German, I find it very difficult to translate into English. I thought of saying something like: “Often it goes so badly....,” but that doesn’t work well with the rest of the line (“so schwer, so schleichend.)” I think “schwer” is best translated as either “hard” or “difficult” and “so schleichend” perhaps as “so slowly creeping” or “creeping so slowly,” but those translations don’t seem to go with the first half of my translation of the sentence, so still no solution there.
I prefer the choice of “angel” rather than “cherubim” which sounds more biblical. “Like an angel” sounds good, and Stilz, your “resembling an angel” works well too. I also thought of perhaps saying “like those of an angel.” It’s purely a matter of preference.
Your choice of the words “with wings spread immensely wide” in line 5 was a nice alternative, Ramaswamy, especially the word “immensely,” although I have to admit I still love Volker’s use of “widespread wings.”
A few words for Stilz, now, and then I’ll come back to the remainder of the poem from this point on. First, let me say how much I appreciate your input, Stilz, and it is only with great reluctance that I have to admit that I don’t quite see how it would be possible to substitute the words“incongruous” or “incongruity” for “contradiction.” I think you might possibly be confusing these words with some other word, although it’s entirely possible that I may be forgetting my English, as well as my German!
Line 3 as I mentioned above is very difficult. If I were going to use the words “gait” or “progress,” I think I would start the sentence by saying “The gait is often...” or “The progress is often....” but the problem is, I don’t really like the choice of the word “poor,” and my choice of words for “schlecht,” which would be “bad” or “badly,” doesn’t work in this case. Perhaps one of us will be able to come up with something else. I do like your choice of “lingering,” although I’m not sure how well it fits with the other two descriptive words.
And now we come to line 6, another line which is almost impossible to translate literally because of the word “Existenzen” which doesn’t work in the plural form in English. And Ramaswamy, please forgive me, but I don’t really think “beings” could be used in place of “existence(s).” “Of all the great and daring” is a good translation for the first part of the sentence, but the problem is, you then have to use existence in the plural form, and thus this sentence has to be reworded somewhat in English. The only way around this problem that I can figure out would be to say something like: “What great and daring existence could be any brighter and bolder?”
And then come the last two lines and more problems. I’m not familiar with the German word stemmen. In fact, I’m not even sure if the word is “anstemmen” or “stemmen.” I found both in the my German dictionary but didn’t know which one is correct in this sentence, probably because I’ve forgotten so much of my German grammar. I feel like “brace” might be close to what Rilke means, as to “brace oneself” but the word “against” doesn’t sound right in this context. You hear the word “brace” used in English in instances like “brace yourself for the storm,” and you might even brace yourself against something like a door, but not something less tangible, like your limits or “limitations” which I think is probably a better choice of words for “Grenzen” in this case. I also wondered if the word “embrace” would work, but before I can translate this line correctly, I need to know exactly what this word “stemmen” or “anstemmen” means. Perhaps someone can explain to me what they think Rilke is trying to say in this sentence. I am thinking that perhaps he means something like the word “resist,” but it is all very unclear to me.
“Drag in an unknown” is an interesting choice, Ramaswamy, and I see you liked Volker’s choice of “unrecognizables,” Stilz! I didn’t mention it earlier, but Volker chose to create a new English word by turning an adjective into a noun, which is what Rilke did in the German text, I think. That is to say, I don’t think “Unkenntliches” was a word in German before Rilke, was it? “Unrecognizables,” needless to say, sounds very strange to the ear in English, but perhaps no more so than “Unkenntliches” or?
What do you think about saying something like the following for the last two lines?
“We stand and resist our limitations
and grasp something unrecognizable.”
As alternatives to the last line, what do you think?
And tear in something unrecognizable.
And tear something unrecognizable inside.
And seize something unrecognizable.
And grab something unrecognizable.
Although I think I like Volker’s more literal translation of “tear inside” better, I chose “grasp” because it could have a double meaning in this instance meaning both to “grab, seize, or tear in” (something), AS WELL as to “comprehend” it, which I think may very possibly be just what Rilke is trying to say.
Am I correct in assuming that with the use of the word “herein,” this sentence implies that something from “outside” (of ourselves) is torn “inside” or perhaps just “in?” I’m not sure in this case whether the literal translation for “herein” would be “in” or “inside.”
I sincerely hope I haven’t discouraged either of you from any further attempts,
because I can’t tell you how very much I appreciate your translations, and I am very hopeful that there will be more to come in the future, because there are lots of other Rilke poems I would love to have help with!
Also, I wish that others in the forum wouldn’t be so shy or afraid to offer their translations or suggestions. I’m not looking for perfection! And if a complete translation is too large of an endeavor, any comments or suggestions regarding existing translations would also be welcomed. After all, you never know when you might be able to think of just the perfect word that none of the rest of us have been able to find.
Vielen, vielen Dank to everyone!!
Linda
